A Further Discussion with Sharon Billings

Sharon responds to further questions from Christian Feminism Today editor Letha Dawson Scanzoni

Editor’s Note: This article is part of the six-part discussion of childhood sexual abuse from the Fall, 2008 issue of Christian Feminism Today, which began with an article about Margaret Meier’s cantata on healing from childhood sexual abuse.

Scanzoni:  Margaret Meier’s cantata lyrics speak about an abuse victim’s feeling spoiled, ashamed, and abandoned.    How do you help clients who express such feelings to you?

Billings: First, I’m Rogerian—I listen and mirror back the feelings they express until they appear to have completed that recitation. It can recur or re-enter conversation at length.

Second, education. Shame is an external assignment, and we work forward toward present-time internal definitions of self, assigning the shame to the perpetrator—not the victim. Many lies and mistaken beliefs must be confronted, as they are often held in the child’s consciousness, laid down at the time of the perpetration. 

With each condition, I attempt (through imagery, metaphor, and relaxation exercises) to link abused persons to healthy truths, plus possibilities in their current lives.

In my experience, for females the hardest to heal is the feeling of being soiled, spoiled, and internally damaged through penetration and ejaculation. This “dirtiness” deeply grieves many, and I work with sensory activities to generate new body sensations, using as many layered sensory stimuli simultaneously as possible. For example: warm bath, candlelight, music, fragrance, maybe chocolate, fruit, some other taste. Some prefer wine.

Another sensory layering focuses on  body strength, thus creating the sense of power to fight back, I recommend variations of the martial arts, etc. with appropriate clothing, an instructor, a mirror to see the self improve, and sounds—both recorded and spoken—to affirm strength. Whatever the venue, embodiment of strength is the goal.

Scanzoni:  What do these survivors long for most?  What are ways that you have found to be helpful in dealing with their pain and meeting their needs for understanding, compassion, and empathy?

Billings:  Saying YES to their self report. Inviting them to say more, indicating I can hear the details if and when they should choose to speak. Agreeing with every nuance of pain they report, acknowledging that “yes,” this is exactly how it would feel in their circumstances. I think I am being redundant, but the point I want to emphasize is that victims long to be heard and believed.

The ultimate reality for which we aim is that they would hear and believe themselves. But they practice that outcome on and in the midst of others. We can think of it as a type of skill building—practice, practice, practice. Hearing themselves into speech. as we can now declare it.

I have to listen longer than they need to talk. I schedule extra or longer sessions, take their phone calls as often as possible, invite them to call and hear my voice on the phone, leaving me any message they choose, thus to feel connected.

They need a new reality. And in the mirror of our eyes, faces, and voice, they can see and hear a new reality and can form a current, compassionate, healthy view of self  to replace the rejection and abhorrence now in residence.

I affirm every feeling they declare as something they are experiencing now.  I provide promise that we can grow from this state of feeling into something different. We use literature, healing autobiographies, to name things that they might not be ready yet for me to introduce—thereby leading their thinking without the risk of my sounding contradictory to what they are now experiencing.

Scanzoni:  Have you led support groups where abuse survivors can feel free to express their honest feelings and where they can know others understand and are not judging them?   What has been your experience in working with such groups.

Billings: Grouping survivors, when they are intact enough to share, is a primary source for support, healing, and strength. Speaking their story to witnesses strengthens their recovery and sense of a functioning self in the present.

But it is sensitive placement, as any abreaction by one person can trigger reactions in others. Survivors need a certain distance from their pain before grouping is positive. Primarily, a group affirms one’s self-report and holds out hope, plus it offers some suggested interventions for periods of challenge.

It is a delicate assignment for the therapist and requests professional maturity.

Scanzoni:  The cantata lyrics show a turning point in which feelings of shame and guilt give way to anger and acknowledgement that it is the offender who is to blame.  Could you please comment on why this step is so empowering for those who have suffered childhood sexual abuse?

Billings: Until we can own our own strength, we are still subject to victimization, sexual and otherwise, both in our memory and in our present life. Anger is empowering, providing energy to change things.

In my work with persons who have been abused, we practice angry feelings and language until we can embrace and use the word NO— fluently. Anger can segue into fighting back, and at some level each victim requires the power to stop the perpetrator in imagery, thus freeing each from the extended impact of the original crime.

Scanzoni: How can religious teachings be either helpful or harmful in counseling persons who have been abused? 

Billings:  The client, not the therapist, must be the one to introduce religious symbols. This will guide the therapist in how they are being applied. The primary struggle is this: “Where was God when I needed protection?”  Who has the answer to that question?

I watch and listen for places where spiritual light is expressed by the speaker and then join that concept, supporting their present meaning. Then I look for tangential concepts that will align with their belief. I think I never presume any meanings for the client—this can be such volatile territory.

When permitted, we search together for spiritual exercises of diverse nature that can supplement the client’s healing.

Primarily, I find in Christendom that religion is often used amiss and causes the client to retreat further, feeling misunderstood. God will open a way if the therapist is sensitive, attuned, and open to versatility. 

Editor’s note: In addition to her comments here, Sharon Billings was one of the religious and mental health authorities who took part in a panel discussing the cantata on childhood sexual abuse. You can read those comments here.

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Sharon Billings, M.A. is a marriage and family therapist and spiritual director. She lives in Sacramento, California and is a longtime member and former coordinator of EEWC.

© 2008 Evangelical and Ecumenical Women's Caucus