Christian Feminism Today

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse:
How an Empowering New Cantata Tells the Story

by Margaret Shelton Meier

Editor’s Note: This article is part of the six-part discussion of childhood sexual abuse from the Fall, 2008 issue of Christian Feminism Today. Margaret Meier's article is followed by reviews, a panel discussion, and an additional discussion by each of the three panelists, therapist Sharon Billings, Faith Trust Insitute founder Rev. Dr. Marie Fortune, and psychiatrist Elizabeth S. Bowman.

Background

This is the story of a difficult journey, but one that proved to be very blessed because of those who walked it with me and those whom I met along the way. As God is inseparable from my life and breath, so God’s hand and influence are inseparable from this journey.

When the journey was completed, I reviewed the steps I took along the way, which empowered me to create the most important musical composition I have ever written: a cantata for chorus, soprano soloist, and orchestra, titled A SOCSA Quilt. The word SOCSA is an acronym that I created for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse; it is not the name of any organization that I am aware of.

I have been asked if my cantata was a way of working through my own sexual abuse. The answer is, “No.” It was written after I had worked through it.

During the days of pain involved in adult healing from my memories of childhood sexual abuse, I could not have brought the balance and overview needed to create this forty-minute composition that moves from fear, pain, isolation, and powerlessness; through courage, connection, and support; to self-affirmation and great joy flowing from a healed heart and sound mind. William Wordsworth once said that poetry “takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility.” That was certainly my experience.

The Composition Process

Although it has taken over a decade to find a way to have my cantata performed and recorded, A SOCSA Quilt was actually written during the five-year period from 1991 to 1996. These years were preceded by five years of my experiencing and dealing with repressed flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse during a time when California had 12-Step groups for sexual abuse survivors available in many cities. In these meetings, I heard the painful stories of dozens of victims, some of the stories beyond any cruelty I could have imagined.

It is sometimes easier for me to weep for others than for myself; and my heart was torn by what these people, some of whom became my friends, had endured. During my own healing process, I one day told Truman Barrett, my counselor, pastor, spiritual director and friend, “There is a scream in me that is so strong it would shatter the world if I let it escape.” His response: “You have a talent that will allow you to do that in a unique way!” The cries of pain in this cantata are my desire to express the cries of the millions who have been damaged by this never-ending “plague.”

As a composer of both instrumental and vocal music, when I cannot find words that are suitable for my thoughts and feelings, I write my own. The words for each “quilt block” are mine. When I compose a piece with text, the words must come first for me. Then the shape of the music follows the shape of the word phrases quite naturally. I have a greater struggle writing poetry than writing music.

The Design of the Composition

Gradually the cantata took shape. The design of a quilt seemed ideal to express a series of scenes or aspects of a single topic. Eight musical movements are the “quilt blocks,” each a unique scene, individual in musical mood and style. These are both separated and held together by a “fabric” of one color (to sustain the quilt metaphor). This “fabric” is a single musical theme with text from the Bible. The biblical text is a commentary upon the previous scene.

Part 1: Horror and Heartache

“We are the Children,” the first quilt block of Part 1, begins with a gentle flute melody repeated by the cellos. Soon it is restated by the clarinets playing seven notes apart, which creates a jarring and discordant sound. The gentle world of the child has been violated. The women sing:

“We are the children
who hide from ourselves.
In our dark only the pain remains.
The terror visits us at night
and leaves questions.”

This is followed by the commentary:

“Let the children come unto me, for of such is the kingdom of God.” (Mark 10:14)

The perpetrator appears in quilt blocks two and four, as the full orchestra plays dissonant chords and the men sing,

“If you tell, they won’t believe you.
“If you tell, they’ll think you’re crazy,
and they’ll send you to the crazy house.”

followed again by the commentary:

“Woe to him who causes one of my little ones to stumble.
It would be better for him
if a millstone were tied to his neck
And he were thrown in the sea.” (Mark 9:42)

(I once heard Maya Angelou asked why she only addressed the suffering of women and of African Americans. She said it was not that she did not care about other injustices, but that she had to speak from who she is, and she is an African American woman. Because my experience of and knowledge about sexual violation is that which occurs in “normal,” average, middle-class American families, and more often to girls, I speak from that perspective. However, much of the material in this cantata can be applied to other life traumas.)

Part 1 climaxes with that scream mentioned earlier and the biblical words,

“How can I go on living
When no one hears me?” (Job 6:11)

followed by the commentary—two conflicting messages sung at the same time:

“My God, rescue me. Deliver me from those who are wicked and cruel.” (Psalm 71:4)
and
“My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1)

Part 2. Healing and Hope

Part 2, “Healing and Hope,“ is a testimony to the faithfulness of God working through the support, encouragement, and affirmation offered by community, friendship, and group process.

While the overwhelming theme of Part 1 is isolation, Part 2 offers the support and shared experience of others as an antidote to isolation. In a way, this invites the listener to be a part of the healing.

The connecting movements of Part 2 have a more vigorous tune, riding with energy upon a repeated chord progression. Their titles are Truth, Love, and Comfort.

The first quilt block of Part 2 is an affirmation in rhythmic speech (sort of “classical rap”) shouted at the perpetrator.

“Take back the blame. I don’t deserve it.
Take it back!
Take back the shame
That’s so unnerved me.
Take it back!
This is my claim:
You are the one responsible.
You’re guilty! Take it back!
Take it Back!” -------

The second quilt block is a gentle “Lullaby for the Wounded Child” with healing words set in a haiku form.

The penultimate movement of the entire cantata is the most exciting to me, because it rapidly reviews the story and also reprises some of the musical material. It begins,

“Wounded. Weak. Weary.
We are the women
who want to be whole.”

The women find and support each other and sing,

“We work to be strong.
We work to be well.
We work to recover.
We work to leave hell.”

until they are strengthened to declare,

“Now we stand here, hand in hand,
united in witness.”

Next, a spoken “rap” is accompanied by a free flowing soprano soloist just singing “Ah.”

“No longer afraid. I’ve no need to hide.
No longer ashamed.
I face life with pride.
Cherished and loved by our friends; souls of infinite worth,
Lovely at last in our own eyes,
we experience rebirth.”

This rolls directly into the exuberant final chorus, based on verses 5, 11, and 12 of Psalm 30 from which the album title is taken:

“Weeping may last through the night,
But Joy Comes in the Morning.”

Table of Contents

Margaret Shelton Meier received her Bachelor of Music degree from the Eastman School of Music and is the first woman to receive a Ph.D. in composition from UCLA (in 1983). She has taught at a number of universities in California's two university systems and is currently a part-time professor at Mt. San Antonio College in Walnut, CA. Over a period of 30 years she has been director of music in eight churches, representing four denominations.

Dr. Meier’s compositions, which have been performed throughout the United States and in Europe, are in many genres: orchestral works, choral pieces, art songs, chamber music, opera, piano concerto, and piano and organ solos. Prior to this most recent CD, Meier has been professionally recorded on three Vienna Modern Masters and one Raven CD. Additional information is available at her website: http://www.meiermusic.com. Margaret Meier is an active member of EEWC’s Southern California chapter.