My Pastor

by Louise Davis, M.Div.

Stained Glass Chalice Dove by Lorelyn MedinaFive years ago I came to this church,
wounded.
I had turned in my Orders,
and left Pastoring 12 years before.
But how do you live after
you have turned in your Ordination?

Once baptized, always baptized.
Something happens, God becomes available and is there,
inside.
The same is true with Ordination.
God called and I answered.
How do you turn in your Ordination?

I left the church for awhile,
I tried 12 step groups, I became Wiccan.
And then I realized how deeply Christian I am.

I tried to attend the church where I had been Student Pastor.
But, everyone treated me like the Student Pastor.
There wasn’t a place for me.

I tried another church,
somehow the Pastor and I became competitors.
There wasn’t a place for me.

I tried professional Christian Education,
but I was a round peg in a square hole.
There wasn’t a place for me.

Then I came here.
She saw through my anger and hurt.
She was sure enough of herself to reach out to me.
Here was a place for me.
And the healing began.
At first when she served me communion
and said “The body of Christ broken for you”
I would answer “And also for you.”

One day I simply answered “Amen.”
I trusted her enough,
she had become my Pastor.
Claiming the internal change,
I  bought a “Blessed be” ring.
It was my “Non-ordination” ring.

The ring was so important for awhile.
But as I began to lose weight, physically
and emotionally,
the ring no longer fit.

Now, I have lost it.

Again I have transitioned.
Last Sunday when she served me communion
I said “Blessed be.”
I don’t know where I’m going.
I do know that I’ve again said “Yes” to God.

And I know that she gave me the space,
and time
and love
and I have healed.
Somehow in my heart,
I have turned in my Ordination.
Thank God she is my Pastor.
Blessed be.

© 2007 Evangelical & Ecumenical Women’s Caucus, volume 31, number 1, Spring 2007

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